that which could not be

you had me at hello!

we were introduced, you shook my hand

i thought you were gay: no man i would meet could be so gallant…

i turned my mind away.

i heard you speak, you made me think, and laugh

i thought you were strange: no man i would be in this room with could be so articulate,

so full of wit and natural poetry…

i turned my eyes away.

i watched you leave, you were always with her

i thought you were a couple: no man i would be so attracted to could be without a loving other…

i turned my body away.

i listened to you share, you said you were pining

i thought you were emotionally unavailable: no man i would love could be concurrently ready, willing, able…

i turned my heart away.

and then…

You bowed your goodbyes,

You shared a quiet laugh at an almost-missed joke,

You shared your pain, your struggles, your ideas, your progress,

Your joy.

You had me in my dreams from long ago.

You are here, and I am here,

Now.

Made

We had it made

But it was not meant to be made

It wanted to be in the making.

We fucking ruined it.

FOMO – a haiku

Fear of missing out

The mind’s ego gymnastics 

Thinking disconnect 

So here we are

So here we are, only you are not here.

It is just me, as you, and my father, as me.

And all over again I am experiencing your

Sideways comments and backlashery, as me,

As my mouth and brain take on your persona and direct it all again,

For the first time ever,

Towards my father, as me,

Who mumbles and mutters and whispers and tip-toes

Around me, as you.

And all over again, we are here, only

You are not here, so it is just me, knowing.

Knowing, and not being able to say a thing to you, as you,

Nor to stop the me that is now you.

Nothing can comfort my father, as me, because, as me,

I too was incapable of seeing what I was doing.

All the time I thought I was not doing, not doing.

So here we are, and I wish you were here, instead of him,

So that I could be me, as me now, and you could be you,

As however you want to be,

And I could accept you.

And I could finally accept me, too.

plastic rap

hello, how are you today?

good! how about you?

i’m fine thank you. did you find everything you were looking for?

yes, thank you.

would you like to save even more with our credit card?

no thank you.

do you have air miles?

yes. thank you.

debit or credit?

debit.

go ahead.

thank you.

thank you.

thank you.

can’t stop won’t stop

My fucking  mouth.

Your fucking inability to be curious, open minded, to even …

LISTEN, goddammit, LISTEN!

Can’t you hear what I’m trying to say?

What I’m trying to do?

I don’t care about your endless opinions,

Your need for alignment with the opinion of the other,

Your incessant striving for consensus

At all costs.

Why do I even try? Apparently I can’t stop won’t stop either.

Then I might as well be looking into a mirror.

Can’t stop.

That’s why I’m living under your roof in the first place.

So much freedom, so little hope of escape.

So much tension.

I will bust out of  here soon…

 

 

Happy fucking new year

Happy fucking new year!

Happy spring equinox!

Happy Easter!

Happy Happy!

Oh, we are all so happy.

Congratulations on your 8 years sober!

Congratulations on your being employed – one of the few these days!

Keep up the good work!

Keep taking your medication!

Stay strong! Too bad about your mom’s cancer!

Glad to hear you’re doing well!

Happy to hear you’re fine!

Good! Good! Happy good!

Happy fucking everything!

Go, you!