when we retire at night…

…we constructively review our day. Were we:

Resentful? Yes. I was resentful at a turkey. And at the person who is legally my wife but with whom my marriage has ended. What did the turkey do? He beaked at me, tried to intimidate me, and generally blocked my every move. I was already irritable for no apparent reason. What did my wife do? Same thing as the turkey.

Selfish? Of course. I showered – a nice, long shower, such as I hadn’t allowed myself in months – before finishing my chores. It was the spark that started the argument. I did my best to not react, I really did. I did alright. I’ve done better.

Dishonest? I wonder almost every single day whether I’m being totally honest with myself. Especially about staying here.

Afraid? Yes. I was afraid she was right, that I am taking her for granted, that I am lazy and dead weight and a freeloader. I was also afraid she was wrong, that I am actually doing really well (i.e. my best, always improving). That would mean I am staying in an abusive situation, I think. Maybe.

Do we owe an apology? I don’t think I do. I was made to feel like I did, but I don’t think it worked. I did, however, offer an authentic apology via text earlier today, to guess who, for judging her when she’s angry or lost her temper. I realized this morning that I’m prone to similar behavior.

Do we need to discuss something with another person at once? Increasingly I think of my old sponsor. I am emboldening myself to call her.

Were we kind and loving toward all? No. Not always. But mostly.

What could we have done better? No idea. Not about this morning’s surprise poopy mood, anyway. I handled it pretty darn well, using all sorts of tools in my toolbox.

Were we thinking of ourselves most of the time? Most of the time, yes. But I did do some sponsee emails and kind, loving messages today to people who were hurting or who had reached out to me. I did get out of myself for those periods of time (toolbox stuff).

Thank you, universe, for your infinite wisdom and guidance. Thank you for being there, for being here, now.

I just want to go to sleep now.

Love, me

trial run with new camera (Canon powershot SX150) 067

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