it would only take one boot

i became so angry today…

i felt the raging waters of secret emotions welling up as though a dam had burst; 

it happens now and then. more now than then.

and i kicked at that damn rooster when he attacked me. he instinctively, expertly, dodged my boot.

but it would only take that one boot to connect with him, to send him flying backwards, retreating from me,

his ego and body bruised (never broken). it has happened once before. i never want it to happen again.

and yet i can see that it is still very much alive in me, very much untended…this raging force.

i have taken it out on myself (daily, in small measure, in cuts and scrapes and burns and bruises), the dogs (an angry yell that reeks of an abusive parent or alcoholic stepfather), the pots and pans, the front door… 

oh how this old farm house shakes when that front door is slammed so.

i am coming to realize that what i’ve seen of my rage, in no way comes close to what is there, deep down.

it is deep.

it needs to come out – slowly but surely. heaven forbid it comes out sideways, as it has been more and more lately.

you would think – at least i did – that a separation would mean detachment. that the ring off the finger would equate to relief and joy and a new start, if with some necessary grieving, of course.

but it feels like a circus in a nightmare. more and more and more.

and i need help. i keep saying this. i need help, i need help, i need help. i don’t know what to do.

god please help me. god help me. help me. help.

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