teeter-totter

I need her to walk the 8 dogs with me every morning. First thing in the morning.

It could be a good wake-up activity, a great meditation, good exercise of course…

It is sometimes. But sometimes – often, lately – it is like holding on to a teeter-totter.

Back and forth, up and down, the emotions oscillate and harden and explode and whip me in the face.

Like some kind of assault. I always feel attacked. My defense mechanisms rise up and get to work.

I argue, I point out similar “insights” about her behavior, as though that matters at all. As though that would make things better!?

It always makes things worse. But so does walking under a dark cloud of shame, in silence, while she goes on and on about how I hurt her. I know I did. I know I will know more about how I did. I know it will a long, slow, painful process of learning and accepting, and forgiving myself, and learning to trust myself. And loving again. One day.

Maybe.

But for now, I have the following choice: listen in silence, grit my teeth when necessary, search for understanding in my heart, never roll my eyes or tilt my head or smirk in any fashion, not make any noises or sounds that could be construed as talking back or muttering inappropriate comments in retort,remember to keep breathing deeply so as not to turn into a giant knot, and carry the weight of the shame and guilt…

or…fight.

Argue. Conflict – I’m no good with it. I never have been. I can’t STAND it! It makes me want to run away, to hide, to escape. To kill myself, even, if it gets bad enough.

I have spoken and thought of suicide more lately than I have in years.

I won’t do it. I love life. I love! I Am Love.

I KNOw this. But in moments of chaotic conflict, everything seems insane and scary and just too much. And I can come to the conclusion that all I do is hurt others, and I will never get any better, and I am not worth being alive.

This is my curse to be broken.

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