heart sore

I am feeling very sore and achy in my heart. My chest is tight. My stomach feels like it is twisted into a big knot. A big ball of anxiety, I am. I feel like crying and screaming and running away. I feel like curling up into a little seashell and hiding until someone comes to save me. I feel like a victim. I didn’t think I did, but when I said the thing about the seashell, I heard it in my voice.

I am really confused. Can this marriage be saved? Can I be trusted again? Can I prove myself trustworthy without losing my mind in the process? Can I say the words that need to be said, at the time they need to be spoken, in the right tone of voice, with the proper expression on my face – to prove myself to my wife?

Can it be done??

Can I recover, heal, and grow, all the while repairing a marriage that is so broken sometimes it makes me feel hopeless and lost? Can I increase my self-esteem while admitting I’ve screwed up so badly that I’ve practically ruined her life? Can I not want to kill myself whether I stay in this (read “make her stay”) or go (read “let her go”)? Can I not want to vomit when I say that thing about killing myself, because it sounds so victimy and it’s not even really true, really?

Can it be done??

Can I be trusted? How can she trust me if I don’t trust myself? How can I ask her to do that? How can I ask that she loves me and keeps me if I wouldn’t do the same thing, if I were in her position? How can I treat her so well that this never happens again? How can I not be sick anymore? How can I succeed as a person, as a recovered alcoholic and recovering codependent, as a wife, as a grownup?

How can it be done? With? Without? Together? Separated?

How many more of these confrontations can I weather? How much force of these storms can I withstand and remain intact, secure, certain, happy? Is it too late? Is it never too late? Do I “never give up!” ? or do I “just let go…” ? Which advice do I follow? When am I in my insane thinking, and when am I in rational thinking? And when is my heart or my intuition trying to tell me something that trumps even rational thinking?

How can I stop feeling like this, so regularly in my life, from childhood to age 38 present day? This feeling of doom and hopelessness and depression and self-loathing and confusion and desperation and loneliness and despair? How can I claim to have a relationship and conscious contact with my Higher Power and then go through this over and over and over again? How can I remember lessons I’ve learned, or thought I’d learned, so I don’t have to repeat the same pain?

How can I stop causing others pain? What is wrong with me? Why do I feel so crazy? And more importantly now, what am I to do about it? What is the best course of action?

God, the textbook of Alcoholics Anonymous tells me to pause, whenever agitated such as now, and ask YOU for the right thought or action. So right now, right here, on the literal edge of my seat with a gripping fear in my gut and racing, uncontrollable thoughts of insanity in my mind, I am asking YOU, God…please… help me get better so I can stop HURTING others and start HELPING others. Help me to do the right thing by YOU, by YOUR will. Help me to ONLY do your will. Please. I am desperate. I turn this situation over to you now. (deeeep breathe of relief already!)… Do with me what you will.

God, I offer myself to Thee, to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. TAKE AWAY MY DIFFICULTIES (difficulty concentrating, difficulty breathing, difficulty keeping house, difficulty focusing on the task at hand, difficulty thinking straight…), that my victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life. May I do Thy will always. Amen.

Thank you for your help with my sobriety and my life and my mind and my thoughts and my actions. I turn it all in. I sign everything over to you. It was never mine to begin with. Help me see past my giant ego and realize that it’s all YOURS. Do with it – with me – what you will. God knows I need that now.

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